I feel like she would never disown me, that's for sure. She would never do that. She would always take me back and she would not go no-contact with me. I kind of wish it would go this way, but I know that if I did cross the line it would cause her such pain. That would be, you know, my punishment. Not her not talking to me, or like yelling or anything of sorts. Yeah, but at the same time, it does bring me some peace, knowing that she wouldn't leave me. She wouldn't disown me or reject me.

Yeah, because I mean, she's a woman. She's supposedly the only one who's responsible for her kids. She would take the heat. It's very sad thinking about since I don't even have my sister now, so I'm an only child. It's a burden on me more.

Lately I can't go anywhere in my district without thinking of Tata. Right now I'm better, but sometimes I used to have almost panic attacks because I would just go to the store. Sometimes I just want to leave to, you know, make new memories, start everything anew.

But the thing is, it just doesn't work with the meeting new people for some reason. I even started new job with young people and nothing.

Yeah, but we're not friends.

One time I was just telling Sasha about this dissociation thing and suddenly he just calmly goes. "Oh, so that's why you kind of leave reality when we talk". I was like, "What?". He just said "Well, yeah, you often have this face when you're just not listening to me" and I'm like, "No one told me this ever".

[laughs]

You remember this girl from my school who followed you on instagram?

I was friends at school with her and her boyfriend, Timur, and I remember Amina telling me that one time she and Timur were talking about the future and Amina said that, well, Heda probably is gonna go to university to do this and that. And she told me that Timur was shocked that I'm going to go to university, because he basically thought that because I'm Chechen, I will just get married and start a family. So, even though he knew me rather well, just the idea of me going to university after school, it was so weird for him just because I'm Chechen. It's also annoying because if I ever told my family that I don't want to go to university, they would be so pissed. All of them would be like, are you fucking insane?

It was literally the next day. [laughs]